Marriage counseling may be for you if you are...
♥ Lonely in your marriage and longing to reconnect.
♥ Constantly blaming or defending yourself.
♥ Reeling from infidelity and trying to reconcile.
♥ Missing the good sex you once had.
♥ Feeling like strangers in your own home.
As an EFT couples therapist, I can help you...
♥ Move from defensiveness and blaming to connectedness and intimacy.
♥ Feel understood and valued.
♥ Make up quickly when there is disagreement.
♥ Bring intimacy and good sex back.
♥ Rediscover the love you once had.
Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples
Love Doesn't Have to Hurt - Rediscover the Love that Brought You Together
When you and your spouse are having more bad days than good, regularly blaming or ignoring each other, it can seem like there is no other option than to call it quits. It can feel like you're in a constant pattern of miscommunication, mistrust and resentment. As much as you try to work it out, your habitual patterns pull you back in and it's hard to break free.
As a couples and marriage counselor, my goal is to help you discover these patterns that are no longer serving you, and move from a place of defensiveness and blaming to a one of love and trust. Together we can identify your patterns and explore the feelings beneath the anger and resentment. We will move to a place of safety where each of you can express your fears and longings, and respond to each other with love and understanding.
I practice Emotionally-Focused Therapy for couples, or just EFT. For me, one of the most exciting things about EFT is that research tells us that the initial distress level of a couple at the beginning of counseling is NOT a predictor of success! Oftentimes, that distress is a signal that each partner does truly care, it's just not being communicated in a productive way. Predictors of success are the desire of both of you to want to save the marriage, and your willingness to wholly participate in our therapy sessions, not just go through the motions.
I am passionate about EFT simply because it works. In our sessions together, we don't spend time rehashing details of every fight and all the events of the previous week. We focus on what's important: your fears of losing your spouse, ways in which you feel your needs don't matter, all the ways you try to satisfy your partner but somehow it's never good enough, or how angry you feel when your spouse withdraws and isn't there for you. And of course, in the case of infidelity, we work through the broken trust, the betrayal and pain. We engage together to find new understanding, new hope and begin to pave a path of trust.
When One of You Has Been Unfaithful
When couples come to me and share that one of them has been unfaithful, they wonder if it is even possible to move past such an serious relationship injury. I often find that the partner who was "injured" feels they will never be able to trust again and the suspicion and anger eats at them from the inside. At the same time, the partner who was unfaithful is exhausted from apologizing and feels they will have to pay for their mistake the rest of their life. They often feel they simply can't go on forever trying to prove themselves worthy of forgiveness.
In my experience, it is possible to heal from such a betrayal of trust, but it takes the commitment and willingness of both partners to be completely open and honest with each other. Together we'll explore what led to the infidelity and understand what wasn't working in the marriage. Then we'll work toward identifying what it is each of you needed (and still need) from each other to feel loved and nurtured. Just as high blood pressure can be a symptom of a more serious problem, infidelity is a symptom of an unhealthy relationship. That doesn't mean that you can't recover from the symptom and restore health.
EFT couples therapy/marriage counseling is one of the most extensively researched couples therapy models in the field. It boasts over 30 peer-reviewed research studies in more than 20 years, and has proven a 70%-73% recovery rate. Studies consistently show excellent follow up results after therapy has ended. I'm honored to be able to offer it to our community.
You are embarking on an enormous journey together that warrants real soul-searching for both and your fiancé. Are there areas of your relationship that you avoid discussing because someone ends up feeling hurt? Are there lingering trust issues that you'd like to work out? Perhaps you need clarity around career, sex, financial or family issues. If any of these things ring true, then premarital is a smart choice. You owe it to yourselves and your future to enter into marriage fully prepared which includes understanding and celebrating each other's differences.
We are Programmed for Relationship
Seeking and maintaining connection is a prime motivation among all mammals. We need this connection for survival. Research clearly shows us that isolation is traumatizing and a secure and safe bond with our partner helps to stave off depression, regulate distressing emotions, and improves overall health. Simply stated, when we know that we can depend on our partner and they are accessible and responsive to our needs, we are healthier and happier. I can help you and your partner restore this healthy and secure bond.
I can help you and your partner move from:
Isolation to connectedness.
Defense and self-protection, to openness and emotional sharing.
Blaming of the other, to a sense of how each of you makes it difficult for the other to be responsive and caring.
A focus on the other’s flaws, to the discovery of one’s own fears and longings.