Attachment, Responsiveness and Engagement Questionnaire
This questionnaire comes from marriage expert Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of the effective Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT).
First, answer the questions about your partner, about how accessible, responsive, and engaged your partner is with you. Then, answer the questions again, but this time, answer the questions about yourself, focusing on how accessible, responsive, and engaged you are with your partner.
How Accessible, Responsive and Engaged is My Partner?
Accessibility: From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you?
- I can get my partner’s attention easily. T F
- My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T F
- My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T F
- I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T F
- I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. He/she will listen. T F
Responsiveness: From your viewpoint is your partner responsive to you?
- If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me. T F
- My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T F
- I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T F
- Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together. T F
- If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it. T F
Engagement: Are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?
- I feel very comfortable being close to, and trusting my partner. T F
- I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T F
- I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other. T F
- I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears. T F
- I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T F
Scoring: If you scored 7 and above, you are well on your way to a secure bond and counseling may help you enhance your connection. Below 7 indicates it is time to focus on conversations that can reestablish and reignite the connection with your lover. Marriage counseling can help you.
How Accessible, Responsive and Engaged am I?
Accessibility: Are you accessible to your partner?
- My partner can get my attention easily. T F
- I am easy to connect with emotionally. T F
- I show my partner that he/she comes first with me. T F
- He/she is not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T F
- My partner can share their deepest feelings with me. I will listen. T F
Responsiveness: Are you responsive to your partner?
- If my partner needs connection and comfort, I will be there for him/her. T F
- I respond to signals that my partner needs me to come close. T F
- I find my partner can lean on me when they are anxious or unsure. T F
- Even when we fight or disagree, my partner knows that they are important to me and we will find a way to come together. T F
- If my partner needs reassurance about how important they are to me, they can get it. T F
Engagement: From your viewpoint, are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?
- My partner feels very comfortable being close to, and trusting me. T F
- My partner can confide in me about almost anything. T F
- My partner feels confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other. T F
- My partner knows that I care about their joys, hurts, and fears. T F
- My partner feels safe enough to take emotional risks with me. T F
Score this questionairre the same as you did above.
We are Programmed for Relationship
Seeking and maintaining connection is a prime motivation among all mammals. We need this connection for survival. Research clearly shows us that isolation is traumatizing and a secure and safe bond with our partner helps to stave off depression, regulate distressing emotions, and improves overall health. Simply stated, when we know that we can depend on our partner and they are accessible and responsive to our needs, we are healthier and happier. I can help you and your partner restore this healthy and secure bond.
I can help you and your partner move from:
Isolation to connectedness.
Defense and self-protection, to openness and emotional sharing.
Blaming of the other, to a sense of how each of you makes it difficult for the other to be responsive and caring.
A focus on the other’s flaws, to the discovery of one’s own fears and longings.